Awesome Funny Quotes Biography
Someone told me to give my ex directions but I told them that DOGS can always find there way home.
People say everything happens for a reason... well when I punch you in the face remember that happened for a reason!
Don't get jealous when you see your ex with someone else because we were always told to give our toys to the less fortunate.
That awkward moment when you finish a math problem and your answer isn't even one of the choices.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! Sincerely, The Opportunist
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Every man sees his second mother in his wife but every woman sees her first child in her husband.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.
You call them swear words, I call them sentence enchanters.
If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.
Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another.
A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.
Let's resume everything we gave up for Lent without any new found spiritual insights.
Let's just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ.
Easter may be the wrong time to tell my parents you're a Jew.
Let's take a break from debating gay marriage to remember an unmarried 33-year-old man who hung out with 12 dudes.
Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.
I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday
I wonder if Jesus will make a special appearance on The Walking Dead this Sunday.
Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.
It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession.
Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan.
A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline.
Sorry I said TGIF on the anniversary of your god's son's violent execution.
You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real.
I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.
Love Is Not About Expressing Lovely Words Its about Understanding A gentle Touch Of Pure Heart !! And Friendship is To Sit Together And Laugh About The Nonsense Said Above.
Don't steal, don't lie and don't cheat. The government hates competition
When life gives you a Bad Romance, show everyone your Poker Face, buy a new Telephone, call Alejandro, and you guys Just Dance!:D
204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship.